From The Onion

Massive Earthquake Reveals Entire Island Civilization Called 'Haiti'

January 25, 2010 | Issue 46•04

Americans laid eyes on actual Haitians for the first time on Jan. 12.

PORT-AU-PRINCE, HAITI—Less than two weeks after converging upon the site of a devastating magnitude 7.0 earthquake, American anthropologists have confirmed the discovery of a small, poverty-stricken island nation, known to its inhabitants as "Haiti."

Located just 700 miles off the southeastern coast of Florida, the previously unaccounted-for country is believed to be home to an estimated 10 million people.

Even more astounding, reports now indicate that these people have likely inhabited the impoverished, destitute region—unnoticed by the rest of the world—for more than 300 years.

Researchers believe this was once the capital, though it's unclear if the Haitian people ever had a truly functional government.

"That an entire civilization has been somehow existing right under our noses for all this time comes as a complete shock," said University of Florida anthropology professor Dr. Ben Oliver, adding that it appeared as if Haiti's citizens had been living under dangerous conditions even before the devastating earthquake struck. "Of course, there have been rumors in the past about a long-forgotten Caribbean nation whose people struggle every day to survive, live in constant fear of a corrupt government, and endure such squalor and hunger that they have resorted to eating dirt. But never did we give them much thought."

READ THE FULL ARTICLE

"Satire is a sort of glass wherein beholders do generally discover everybody's face but their own; which is the chief reason for that kind reception it meets with in the world, and that so very few are offended with it.    - Jonathan Swift

 

A TSA Employee plays a bad joke on an unsuspecting traveler named Rebecca Solomon.  Plants a baggie of what looks like cocaine on her carry on, freaks her out and then says its only a joke.  Not cool, man.  Here's an exerpt from the article:

By Daniel Rubin

Philly.com

"After pulling her laptop out of her carry-on bag, sliding the items through the scanning machines, and walking through a detector, she went to collect her things.

A TSA worker was staring at her. He motioned her toward him.

Then he pulled a small, clear plastic bag from her carry-on - the sort of baggie that a pair of earrings might come in. Inside the bag was fine, white powder.

She remembers his words: "Where did you get it?"

Two thoughts came to her in a jumble: A terrorist was using her to sneak bomb-detonating materials on the plane. Or a drug dealer had made her an unwitting mule, planting coke or some other trouble in her bag while she wasn't looking.

She'd left her carry-on by her feet as she handed her license and boarding pass to a security agent at the beginning of the line.

Answer truthfully, the TSA worker informed her, and everything will be OK.

Solomon, 5-foot-3 and traveling alone, looked up at the man in the black shirt and fought back tears.

Put yourself in her place and count out 20 seconds. Her heart pounded. She started to sweat. She panicked at having to explain something she couldn't.

Now picture her expression as the TSA employee started to smile.

Just kidding, he said. He waved the baggie. It was his."

Read The Full Article

"Two groups—Asheville, North Carolina–based Feral Chihuahuas and local jokers Robot Vs. Dinosaur—did a fine job shelling out the ridiculous. The former impressed me with its wig-donning, glitter-throwing theatrics.

In one sketch, the troupe pays homage to the awkwardness of acquaintanceship with a fully choreographed dance number inspired by ’70s variety shows. I also loved a video clip in which a member of the Blue Man Group gets a blow job, a sketch that peddled hip-hop for the deaf and an imagining of what it would’ve been like if Facebook had been around during medieval times."

Good stuff!!!  READ THE FULL ARTICLE

IF THE INTERNET WAS GONE TOMORROW.


From Cracked.com

This Comes from the Huffington Post.  Vote For Asheville!

READ THE FULL ARTICLE

Current Top Five

# 1

Asheville, NC

# 2

Cleveland, OH

# 3

Ithaca, NY

# 4

Madison, WI

# 5

Burlington, VT

I signed up today for Progress Energy’s Energy Wise program today.  It’s a small step that I wish I’d done ages ago.  They’re going to pay me $25 to turn my water heater off on weekday evenings during the winter.  You can do it here.

This and other steps towards reducing demand on our energy grid can, in the aggregate, prevent the necessity of another dirty power plant. If you’re looking for ways to think big, look no further than 250 Megawatts of Community Action.

The reason for a goal of 250 MegaWatts is both simple and complex.

Simply put, it’s a goal that’s the estimated amount of energy that Progress Energy’s Western Region states is needed to meet intermittent peak demand (approximately 150 megawatts) combined with the need for required reserve capacity (approximately 100 megawatts).

By demonstrating with our Communty Actions that we don’t need peaking power plant capacity, there will not be a need for Progress Energy to build one. Rate increases will be lower and less pollution will be produced.  According to projections for new programs from Progress Energy itself, there are already about 30 to 50 megawatts of savings currently available, from a range of sources, such as grid transmission upgrades, peak demand programs, home weatherization and clean energy systems.”

For more megawatty goodness, follow me after the jump:

Let’s Face the Facts… We’re All in this Together!

Utilities, customers, businesses, energy policies, environmental problems and economics are all interconnected. It’s not “us or them”, it’s all of us. Cooperation and partnership will solve far more of our problems than spreading misinformation.

The “250 MW of Community Action” campaign is a tactic in a effective sustainable strategy that brings facts to the table in a form we can all discuss and address, from all sides. Getting a grasp on the facts of any situation is the first step to finding realistic solutions.
[...]
“Virtually all the fundamental problems of our current power production systems will be addressed with a transition to clean energy sources, modern grid distribution technologies and energy efficiency technologies while providing sustainable profits for the corporations.”

Learn lots more about 250 Watts of Community Action here.

I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE THIS!

From The Asheville Citizen-Times:


Asheville firefighter charged in roadside shooting

Josh Boatwright • July 26, 2009 09:42 PM

ASHEVILLE — Police charged a city firefighter with attempted first-degree murder Sunday after witnesses said he fired a handgun at a bicyclist along Tunnel Road, barely missing his skull.

Diez was driving his car off Interstate 40 at Exit 55 at about 11:24 a.m., when he saw Alan Ray Simons and his wife riding bikes up the road with Simons' 3-year-old son in the bike seat, he said.

“He decided he needed to tell them he thought it was unsafe that they would do that and have their child out there in an area where they had a lot of traffic,” Splain said.

The bullet blew a hole through the outer lining of Simons' helmet and went straight through both sides of it, but he was not hit.

Simons and others who witnessed the incident took down Diez's registration plate number and called police.

After consulting with the Buncombe County District Attorney's Office, police charged Diez with one count of attempted first-degree murder.

“A matter of an inch or less in either direction would have meant that bullet could have easily killed Mr. Simons,” Splain said.

Buncombe County Sheriff's deputies found Diez's vehicle at his home on Rowland Road in Swannanoa and arrested him. Diez was not under the influence of any drugs or alcohol at the time of the shooting and has no prior criminal record, Splain said.

He is employed by the Asheville Fire Department, according to warrants.  Diez was being held Sunday night at the Buncombe County Detention Center on a $500,000 secured bond.

 

Charles Alexader Diez (Special to the Citizen-Times)
 

So the Vanguard Nazi Organization (VNN) attempted to hold a Pro Aryan rally in Knoxville, TN and yes, they were foiled...by clowns.  This is democracy in action.  A uniquely American story.  This is Excessive Defiance and Civil Disobediance joining forces to create a more than memorable event.  It's also a real commentary on the ridiculous nature of racism in this, the year 2009.  The only regret is that there is only one picture and no video record of this event.  Read the story below and enjoy that smile. 

Unfortunately for [VNN] the 100th ARA (Anti Racist Action) clown block came and handed them their asses by making them appear like the asses they were.

Alex Linder the founder of VNN and the lead organizer of the rally kicked off events by rushing the clowns in a fit of rage, and was promptly arrested by 4 Knoxville police officers who dropped him to the ground when he resisted and dragged him off past the red shiny shoes of the clowns. http://www.volunteertv.com/home/headlines/7704982.html

“White Power!” the Nazi’s shouted, “White Flour?” the clowns yelled back running in circles throwing flour in the air and raising separate letters which spelt “White Flour”.

“White Power!” the Nazi’s angrily shouted once more, “White flowers?” the clowns cheers and threw white flowers in the air and danced about merrily.

“White Power!” the Nazi’s tried once again in a doomed and somewhat funny attempt to clarify their message, “ohhhhhh!” the clowns yelled “Tight Shower!” and held a solar shower in the air and all tried to crowd under to get clean as per the Klan’s directions.

At this point several of the Nazi’s and Klan members began clutching their hearts as if they were about to have a heart attack. Their beady eyes bulged, and the veins in their tiny narrow foreheads beat in rage. One last time they screamed “White Power!”

The clown women thought they finally understood what the Klan was trying to say. “Ohhhhh…” the women clowns said. “Now we understand…”, “WIFE POWER!” they lifted the letters up in the air, grabbed the nearest male clowns and lifted them in their arms and ran about merrily chanting “WIFE POWER! WIFE POWER! WIFE POWER!”

Industry execs may fret about declining traditional sales, but some enterprising artists and labels have devised new ways to sell music that give fans something to collect, even in an age when the music itself can be infinitely duplicated for free. Or when the cloud makes the very idea of collecting and owning music seem quaint.

It’s a lesson the industry has been learning for about a decade now: If you can’t sell music, sell something else. (Hey, it beats complaining about “kids today” and their utter disrespect for copyright.)

From soup cans to sonic Buddhas, there is life beyond the stream. Here are 10 of our favorites.

1. Max Tundra’s Limited Edition Kosher Chicken Soup

Purchasers of Domino Records artist Max Tundra’s 2008 album, Parallax Error Beheads You, have four formats to choose from: compact disc, vinyl, digital, or as a $19 soup can that comes with a download code. Domino calls this “the new kosher format,” due to the nature of the chicken soup contained inside the customized label. In addition to a food item that can be consumed in the event of lapsed fandom (or nuclear winter), fans who choose the soup can format also get an exclusive digital compilation of Max Tundra’s friends covering his songs. All of the songs are in the 320 Kbps DRM-free Mp3 format. Soup cans were assembled by the artist in some sort of sweatshop (video).

2. Mogwai’s “Tracy” Music Box

Scottish guitar band Mogwai gave its fans (the author included) a real treat in the form of a professionally-constructed metal music box that plays their song “Tracy” when you wind a little crank on the side. It helps that this song’s haunting melody lends itself particularly well to the music box treatment, so other bands considering something similar might also want to choose songs with a simple melody that repeats in the time it takes for a music box’s axle to complete a full revolution. (Shockingly, this doesn’t appear to be on eBay, and I’m working remotely so I couldn’t take a photo; this one comes courtesy of plastikwrap.)

3. Interactive (Remixable) Albums

The first artist we spotted to sell an interactive version of an album that allows fans to customize it differently each time they listen was Deadmau5, whose iPhone app for that purpose blew us away in February. Another, more popular artist whom we agreed not to name plans to offer three songs in remixable iPhone app form Tuesday, and we expect the trend to continue. But then again, we would say something like that, having been first (that I know of, anyway) to predict that iPhone apps would change the way music is sold. Note to record labels: It’s more difficult to pirate a remixable iPhone app album than it is to pirate an unprotected CD. One variant of this idea is selling music as a videogame (Beatles: Rock Band; Tap Tap Revenge: Nine Inch Nails Edition).

4. The Mos Def Music Tee

For a mere $39, you too can purchase Mos Def’s latest album, The Ecstatic, in a wearable T-shirt format that, like Tundra’s soup can, comes with a unique download code for grabbing the tracks online. When Downtown Music unveiled this release strategy, it was unclear whether Neilsen SoundScan would be able to track sales of the album, because the organization is used to counting sales of discs, not apparel. However, a compromise was made: Sales of the Mos Def Music Tee will count towards Billboard’s digital albums chart. Labelmates Santigold and Miike Snow also plan on releasing music T-shirts soon, and The Invisible DJ has one too.

5. Cheap Trick’s 8-Track Tape

Releasing an album on 8-track tape may not have constituted an innovative approach back in the ’70s, but in 2009, it’s a bona fide publicity stunt. Cheap Trick, in a nod to their status as rockers “of a certain age,” are selling their latest album, The Latest, in the ancient 8-track format, believed to have been the format of choice during the Pleistocene era. In addition to the $30 8-track, the band is also hawking golf balls, license plate frames, watches, backpacks and bandanas, but those don’t come with music. If you’d like to see what an 8-track player looks like, check out Stephen Colbert’s model in this Colbert Report clip.

6. Visual Art (Album and Other)

When people talk about musicians as “artists,” they generally mean recording artists, but some bands have a strong visual sense that presents the opportunity to bundle other artwork along with music. Stones Throw records is a fine example of this approach, offering a $100 print by Quasimoto, a $68 art book featuring paintings by the guy who makes Madlib’s album covers with three exclusive songs on vinyl, a $50 Quasimoto action figure, and $10 heart-shaped vinyl version of Mayer Hawthorn’s Just Ain’t Gonna Work Out. My brother’s band, Javelin, is considering an elaboration on this approach in their upcoming release for Thrill Jockey Records: hand-making every album cover using re-purposed vintage album covers, giving each fan a unique copy of the music and saving money on manufacturing.

7. The FM3 Buddha Machine

The Chinese experimental band FM3 has mystified countless music store shoppers with their FM3 Buddha Machine, which they claim houses a tiny Buddha who emits nine magical drones. Either the Buddha (or, more likely, a flash memory chip) sends these tones to a small speaker. The first edition became so popular that the band later released a 2.0 version, and now they’ve even turned it into an iPhone app. Variants of the dedicated-device strategy include the U2 iPod and the Journey/Zvue MP3 player.

8. Cassettes

Now that all the cool kids are listening to vinyl, even cooler kids are moving on to another analog format that has the advantage of portability: the audio cassette, which stores music magnetically on a thin strip of tape. We’ve heard lots of anecdotal evidence that the cassette is making a comeback, and sure enough, SXSW “it” band The Dirty Projectors are selling cassettes that come with download codes. Lucky Dragons‘ website contains the offer “cassettes now available in MP3 form,” and cassette culture is generally on the rise everywhere we looked.

9. Blatant Patronage

One of the stranger musical acts to emerge from the Bay Area over the past decade or so is The Towne Dandies, a (mainly) one-man rock opera that puts on highly original shows about pirates, American Indian gambling centers, the fall of the British Raj, and other themes. Towne Dandies frontman Geoff Ellsworth carried his unique way of thinking into the business end of his music by offering to compose and record a custom answering machine message. All you need to send him is $50 and some details to include. Considering this man’s way with words, melody and humor, it could be money well spent. After all, how many of your friends have managed to commission songs for their voicemail messages? (Ellsworth also offers to create customized slogans for $35. Example: “When robots fight, people win.”)

10. Flash Memory

Ever since Trent Reznor had USB sticks containing his music placed in bathrooms at his shows, flash memory has shown promise as a method for distributing music. After transferring the music onto their computers, fans can use the USB memory stick for whatever they want — or they can leave the files on there, to keep them in “mint” condition. The concept has since spread to Sony, which released a 25th-year-anniversary edition of Michael Jackson’s Thriller album on a 2GB Micro Vault Click Drive, and SanDisk’s slotMusic program, which promises to make digital music as easy as dealing with a collection of really, really small compact discs.